Get off the pavement!

The radical cycling lobby group – Bike First - are in the news today claiming their first victories in their “Off the pavements” campaign as two major cities bar pedestrians from certain sections of pavement.

Their spokesperson, Debbie River, said “Yeah, this has been a long and planned campaign to force pedestrians off the pavement and onto the road where they belong. They’ve cluttered up our rightful cycleways for too long, so our campaign has been to slowly and deliberately force them off. Our policy has been to ride straight at them, or to catch them as we speed past. We just tried to scare them for years, but recently realised that it was getting us nowhere, so we upped the anti and have had some very successful injuries and one fatal heart attack”

The local councils though, in the two cities that have closed some of their pavements to pedestrians claim that the group’s campaign has had no influence over their decisions. “We’ve purely based our new policy on a mixture of natural selection and new environmental theory. “So called pedestrians make a choice to walk and we view their apparent problem with doing it at the side of the road as rather exaggerated.”